Valentine's Eve

Are you into Valentine's Day? I think it's kind of silly. In fact, I think it's super-silly. But I'm not here to bust anyone's Valentine's Day cheer. Instead, on Valentine's Eve, I'm posting this list of Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying designed to quash notions of romantic frivolity that I bookmarked from the New York Times wedding section when I was stoned. (Because why else would I read the New York Times wedding section if not stoned?)

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Care to discuss?

Without even knowing about this list, Guy and I discussed each and every one of these issues before we got serious about each other and bought the house. Realizing that kind of blew me away when I was stoned and that's why I bookmarked it.


nina said...

You decided whether there should be a TV in your bedroom before you moved in together? Was that a dealbreaker?

chuck b. said...

That's the oddest question, isn't it? But we talked about it.

I never had a TV in my bedroom because people ("experts") say it's bad for insomnia and I have bad insomnia. But Guy had one in his bedroom, and I kinda liked it. (He had one in the bedroom because he had to have two televisions to get a good deal on cable installation.) So we thought we'd give it a try, and it's been alright. Sometimes it's nice because the the living room couch isn't always the most comfortable place to watch a movie. (That's about to change--new furniture!)

We don't use it that much otherwise. Sometimes I like to watch the 10 o'clock news, but Guy never uses it. It goes off at 11 on weeknights and I can't say it's aggravated my insomnia. (The thinking is bedrooms are only for sleeping and sex...minimal other kinds of activities should happen regularly in the bedroom.)

Christopher C. in Hawaii said...

I have to get a date first.

Were would you like to go to dinner? would be good first question to discuss for me.

lisa said...

Great list! I like to try and be pragmatic in relationships...of course lust is another situation entirely! If I ever decide to try a long-term stint again, this will come in handy. I think it's a good sign that you two went over the important points before combining households...makes for less pain in the long run.